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Feb 1 2008, 5:40 AM EST (current) Anonymous 1016 words added
Feb 1 2008, 5:31 AM EST Anonymous

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What to do when your sex life is dull “After 18 years of marriage,’ a man once said to me. “My wife confessed to me that our sex life was dull and each time we made love she felt like she was ‘raped’ in a legal way.” The man added that his wife compounded the hurt, which her admission caused, by adding that she had lost interest in their sex life many years before she complained. Another man, who paid a visit to my office to receive counseling a few months ago, also lamented that his wife was not enjoying their sex life. “What can we do to make things more than routine and for me to gain my confidence?” he asked. The concerns expressed by these two men are common in counselling. Unlike before, wives are getting bolder and growing more eager to enjoy the thrills of sexual love. As a result husbands are coming under increasing, subtle or, in some cases, pronounced pressure to deliver the goods. Or what other factor than a greater awareness and the increase in the amount of information that is available to people could explain why a wife would choose now to complain about her sexual life after 18 years of marriage? Now, let’s look at ways that a husband can use to add some pep to his and his wife’s sex lives. The first level at which a man must work is the emotional level. Men need to realise that satisfying a woman in bed is something that starts hours or minutes before the couple hops into bed. Do things for her; carry the heavy bags, spend time with the children so she can sleep and help with some washing. Make her feel wanted and loved. Show that you care. For those who are not inclined to help with the chores, they could sit back and listen carefully as she tells you how enjoyable, difficult or challenging her day was. If you and your wife must enjoy your sex, careful groundwork is essential. The preparation must begin long before bedtime; sex starts by breakfast and not bedtime. First, settle any known or unknown quarrel and also help to rid her mind off any myth and prejudice that may paralyse the sheer pleasure of sex. This aspect, more than anything else, has crippled some wives in yielding themselves to sex. The next thing is complete neatness. Try to take a good shower regularly and smell nice for your spouse. You can even shower together, brush your mouth, trim your beard and nails; stop wearing the same smelly T-shirt to bed. Men often want their women to be neat and seductive, they want to be attracted, but they conveniently forget that women will also like to find them appealing. Also, you may need to learn to give non-sexual hugs, caresses and massage. Massage her back, neck and thighs. Learn how to touch and enjoy each other in a sensual way. Although space constraints may not permit us to dwell on all this in detail, but there are sexual techniques -preparation, fore-play, readiness, orgasm, relaxation and replay- that a man would need to master to satisfy his wife. As the husband, you must learn to initiate foreplay as this often helps in building up a woman’s excitement. Foreplay may involve, but is not limited to, holding each other tenderly, caressing each other warmly, deep tongue kissing, (most of the ladies that I have counselled often complain that their husbands don’t know how to kiss, and because they don’t want to learn they avoid kissing) carefully fondling each other’s sexual organ and touching and caressing in a slow deliberate manner. The time of foreplay is very essential to the woman and this is where most men miss it. Experts agree that it takes ladies a while to be sexually aroused, a period that may be between 20 - 30 minutes. A husband should know his wife’s sensitive areas, as this would save time and help focus. For the majority of ladies, it is the clitoris, the breast, especially the nipples, and the thighs. It may take time for all these sensual areas to respond. Kiss and use your tongue to caress them and be patient as she responds. Meanwhile, a warning, while stroking the breast of his wife, a husband should be gentle and not unmindful that when handled roughly this may give pain and not pleasure. In foreplay, couples should talk freely with themselves and tell each other what they want. Communication is important, as it would be impossible for either of them to know what the other wants except they talk. All this should precede the real act of sex. Shortly after this, both spouses will experience orgasm, this is a wonderful feeling of the highest excitement. When either of the couple reaches this level of excitement he or she will feel a wave of tremendous, incredible, terrific pleasure surging through their whole body for about few seconds. For women, this pleasurable feeling begins in the clitoris and spreads to the entire body. During this time, she breathes rapidly, and make some sounds that shows her extreme pleasure and contentment. However, no matter how good a sexual formula or technique is, after it has been used a few times in a row, it becomes predictable, routine and, eventually, boring. The rule of the game here is to keep experimenting and finding new ways of preventing dullness. For instance, spouse can frequently introduce newness into their sex life through a variety of places and styles. When couples have sex in various ways, positions and places, dullness disappears. Change and update your usual place of sex. Adjust the idea of having sex in the bedroom all the time with the lights off and the ‘eyes closed.’ Rather, try and daze your spouse with the idea of having sex in other places apart from the bedroom. For instance, the bathroom, the kitchen, the backseat of the car, the floor of the living room, but make sure that you ensure privacy at all times.